TOP 10 WAYS TO TELL SOMEONE THEIR
ZIPPER IS UNZIPPED:
cucumber has left the salad.
Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his
need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked
Mr. Johnson... Mr. Johnson.
has left the building.
Buick is not all the way in the garage
next guest is someone who needs no introduction.
got a security breach at Los Pantalones.
may be From Mars .. but I can see something that rhymes with
#1 Way to tell someone their zipper is
got your fly set for "Monica" instead of
Computer Technology vs. Auto
For all of us who feel only the deepest love
affection for the way computers have
lives, read on.
At a recent computer expo
(COMDEX), Bill Gates
reportedly compared the
computer industry with the
auto industry and
stated, "If GM had kept up with
the technology like
the computer industry has, we
would all be driving
$25.00 cars that got 1,000
miles to the gallon".
In response to Bill's comments, General
issued a press release stating:
If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we
would all be driving cars with the following
1. For no reason
whatsoever, your car would crash
twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines
in the road,
you would have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on
for no reason. You would have to pull
over to the
side of the road, close all of the
windows, shut off
the car, restart it, and reopen
the windows before
you could continue. For some
reason you would
simply accept this.
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a
left turn would cause your car to shut down and
refuse to restart, in which case you would have to
reinstall the engine.
5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by
the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice
as easy to drive - but would run on only five
percent of the roads.
6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator
warning lights would all be replaced by a single
"This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation"
The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?"
8. Occasionally, for no
reason whatsoever, your car
would lock you out and
refuse to let you in until
lifted the door handle, turned
the key and grabbed
hold of the radio antenna.
9. Every time
a new car was introduced car buyers
would have to
learn how to drive all over again
because none of
the controls would operate in the
same manner as
the old car.
10.You'd have to
press the "Start" button to turn
the engine off.
Wal*Mart is The Best
A woman goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel. She
doesn't know which one to get, so she just grabs one and
goes over to the register. There is a Wal-Mart associate
standing there with dark shades on. She says, "Excuse me,
Sir... can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"
He says, "Ma'am,
I'm blind, but if you will drop it on the counter I
tell you everything you need to know about it
from the sound that it makes.
believe him but dropped it on the counter anyway. He said,
"That's a 6' graphite rod with a Zebco 202 reel and 10
lb. test line...It's a good all around rod and reel, and
She says, "It is
amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of
it dropping on the counter. I think it's what I'm looking for,
so I'll take it."
He walks behind
the counter to the register, she bends down to get
her purse and farts. At first she is embarrassed but then
realizes that there is no way he could tell it was her. Being
blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person
He rings up the
sale and says, "That will be $25.50."
She says, "But
didn't you say it was $20.00?"
He says, "Yes
ma'am, the rod and reel is $20.00, the duck call is
$3.00, and the catfish stink bait is $2.50.
And thank you
for shopping at
fun with the law
A TICKET! I went to the store the
other day, and I was in there for only about 5 minutes.
When I came out there was a motorcycle cop
writing a parking ticket. So I went up to him and said, "Come
on, buddy, how about giving a girl a break?"
He ignored me and continued writing the
So I called him a pencil-necked Nazi. He
glared at me and started writing another ticket for having
So I called him a piece of horse Manure.
He finished the second ticket and put it on
the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third
This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I
abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
I didn't care.
My car was parked around the corner.
I try to have a little fun each day. It's
Several women I
know have asked for me an explanation of Marketing.
the following analogies will help clear it up:
You see a
handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and say,
fantastic in bed."
-- That's Direct Marketing.
You're at a
party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy.
of your friends goes up to him and pointing at you
"She's fantastic in bed."
You see a
handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and get
telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi,
fantastic in bed."
You're at a
party and see a handsome guy. You get up and
your dress You walk up to him and pour him a
drink. You say, "May
I," and reach up to straighten his tie
brushing your breast lightly
Against his arm, and then say,
"By the way, I'm fantastic in bed."
-- That's Public
You're at a
party and see a handsome guy. He walks up to you
"I hear you're fantastic in bed."
-- That's Brand
You're at a
party and see a handsome guy. You talk him into going
with your friend.
-- That's a Sales Rep.
can't satisfy him so he calls you.
-- That's Tech
You're on your
way to a party when you realize that there could
handsome men in all these houses you're passing. So you
the roof of one situated toward the center and
shout at the top of
your lungs, "I'm fantastic in
One day about a month ago, Bill Clinton was
looking for a call girl. He found three such ladies in a local
lounge - - - a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead.
To the blonde he said, "I am the President of
the United States....How much would it cost me to spend some
time with you? The blonde replied, "Two hundred dollars."
To the brunette he posed the same question,
and she replied, "One hundred dollars."
He then asked the redhead the same question.
The redhead replied, "Mr. President, if you
can raise my skirt as high as my taxes......get my panties as
low as my wages.......get that thing of yours as hard as the
times..... keep it as high as the gas prices.....keep me
warmer than my apartment....and....screw me in private the way
you do in public, then believe me Mr. President, it ain't
gonna cost you a cent."
Twelve priests were about to be ordained. The
final test was for them
to line up in a straight row,
totally nude, in a
garden while a sexy and beautiful big
breasted nude model danced before
them. Each priest had a
attached to his penis and they were told that
anyone whose bell
rang when she danced in front of them
would not be ordained because he
had not reached a state of
The beautiful model danced before the
first candidate, with no
reaction. She proceeded down
the line with the same
response from all the priests until
she got to the final priest. As she
danced, his bell began
to ring so loudly that it flew
fell clattering to the ground.
Embarrassed, he took a few
steps forward and bent over to
pick up the bell.
And then, all the other bells started to
2 Old Ladies
Two old ladies
were outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when
started to rain.. One of the ladies pulled out a condom,
cut off the
end, put it over her cigarette, and continued
Lady 1: "What's that?"
Lady 2: "A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get
Lady 1: "Where did you get it?"
Lady 2: "You can get them at any drugstore."
The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drug
announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box
The guy looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all,
over 80 years
of age), but politely asks what brand she
Lady 1: "It doesn't matter as long as it fits a Camel."
hits a busload of nuns and they all
Before they can
be admitted to heaven, they must first answer a question from
who is waiting for them at the Pearly
He asks the
first nun. "Sister Margaret, have you ever had any contact
with a penis?"
The nun giggles and replies "Well
once I touched the head of one with the tip of my finger."
St. Peter says "OK, dip the tip of your finger
in the holy water and pass through the gate."
St. Peter asked
the next nun the same question, "Sister Elizabeth have you
ever had any
contact with a penis?"
is a little reluctant but replies, "Well once I was stepping
over a naked man
on the beach and my foot brushed against
St. Peter says "OK dip your foot in
the holy water and pass through the gate."
All of a sudden
there is a lot of commotion in the line of nuns, one nun is
way to the front of the line. When she reaches
the front of the line. St. Peter asks,
what seems to be the rush?"
The nun replies,
"If I'm going to have to gargle the holy water, I want to go
Sister Mary sticks her ass
Subject: An act of
A man and his
wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a
pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the
door where a drunken
stranger standing in a pouring down
rain is asking for a push.
"Not a chance"
says the husband -- "It's three o'clock in the morning
slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was it?"
asks his wife.
"Just a drunken
stranger asking for a push" he answers.
"Did you help
him?" she asks.
"NO, I didn't --
it's three in the morning and it's pouring out!"
you've got a short memory" says his wife.
remember about three months ago when we broke down on holiday
and those two
guys helped us? I think you should help him."
The man does as
he is told and gets dressed and goes out into the
rain and calls out into the dark. "Hello are you
"Do you still
want a push?" calls out the husband.
comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?"
asks the husband.
"Over here, on
the swing," the drunk
Three couples went in to see the minister about
members of his church. The minister said that
they would have
to go without sex for two weeks and then
come back and tell
him how it went. The first couple was
retired, the second
couple was middle aged and the third
couple was newly married.
Two weeks went
by, and the couples returned to the minister.
couple said it was no problem at all.
couple said it was tough for the first week,
but after that
it was no problem.
said it was fine until she dropped the can of
of PAINT!" exclaimed the minister.
"Yeah," said the
newlywed man. "She dropped the can and when
she bent over
to pick it up I had to have her right there and
just shook his head and said that they were not
said the man.
We're not welcome in Home Depot
Ten Indicators that your employer has changed to a cheaper
10. Your annual breast exam is done at Hooters.
Directions to your doctor's office include: "Take a left when
you enter the trailer park."
tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicles.
only proctologist in the plan is "Gus" from Roto-Rooter.
only item listed under Preventive Care Coverage, is "an apple
primary care physician is wearing the pants you gave to
Goodwill last month.
guideline that reads "The patient is responsible for 180% of
out-of-network-charges" is not a typo.
only expense that is covered 100% -- is embalming.
your last HMO, your Prozac didn't come in different colors
with little M's on them.
the number One sign that you've joined a cheap HMO:
ask for Viagra, and you get a Popsicle stick & duct tape
news! Company X and Company Y have merged to form company XY.
As CEO of arch-rival Company Z, I have no choice but to
send a truckload of
Cheezie Goldfish Crackers (retail
value of approximately USD $50,000) to the
people who forward this message to 25 friends. At Company Z,
honestly believe that spamming millions of people and
sending billions of dollars
of free stuff to total
strangers (who most likely will never buy our products anyway)
is a fantastic way to boost corporate profits.
How will we know
that you really sent this message to 25 friends? Easy! We have
an "email tracing program" that allows us to spy
on every message you send, whether it's
over the Internet,
or on your company's private internal network. (This basically
that we've taken control of every communications
company on the planet, and brainwashed
administrator in the world, but don't think much about
me? Listen to what Ima Lyer, who lives on a small remote
in the Pacific Ocean, has to say:
"Although I was a bit skeptical, I sent Company Z's
letter to 25 friends, and the VERY NEXT DAY, a truckload of
Cheezie Goldfish Crackers
apppeared on my doorstep!"
So don't miss
this fantastic opportunity to get literally tons of Cheezie
at our expense. Don't question whether
this is legitimate or not. In fact, don't think too
at all. It just tends to use up valuable brain cells that you
could use to reply to
chain letters. Just get out there
and start spamming!
I have been
engaged for almost a year. I am to be married next month.
mother is not only very attractive but really great and
understanding. She is putting the entire wedding together
me to her place to go over the invitation list
because it had grown a
bit beyond what we had
expected it to be.
When I got to
her place we reviewed the list and trimmed it down to
under a hundred ... then she floored me. She said that
in a month
I would be a married man and that before that
happened, she wanted to have sex with me.
Then she just
stood up and walked to her bedroom. While walking
to her bedroom she
said that I knew where the front
door was if I wanted to leave.
I stood there
for a minute or two and finally decided that I knew
exactly how to deal with this situation. I headed straight
front door.......and there, leaning against my car
was her husband,
my father-in-law to be.
He was smiling.
He explained that they just wanted to be sure I was a
kid and would be true to their little girl. I shook his hand
he congratulated me on passing their little test.
So Dear Abby, here's my
I tell my fiancee' what her parents did, and that I
thought their "little test"
was asinine and insulting to my
I keep the whole thing to myself including the fact that
I was walking out to my car was to get a condom?
A young, lonely guy driving across the country decided
to pick up a stunning, blonde hitchhiker.
A few miles into the trek, the blonde started coming
onto him, so needless to say, he pulled over to the side of
the desolate, deserted road so she could give him some oral
Once his pants were down to his ankles, the blonde
surprised him with a gun and bound his wrists to his ankles.
Then, she robbed him of his wallet and clothes, and drove off
with his car.
Once she was out of sight, the man struggled to his
feet and began hopping alongside the road in a desperate
attempt to get something's help.
A short time later, a trucker pulled up alongside the
troubled man. "What happened to you?" asked the trucker, with
a grin. The man explained his plight...
The trucker stepped down from his truck, and as he
unzipped his pants he remarked,
"This just ain't been your day, has it boy!"