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    by David Letterman

  10. The cucumber has left the salad.

  9. Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells.

  8. You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position.

  7. Paging Mr. Johnson... Mr. Johnson.

  6. Elvis has left the building.

  5. The Buick is not all the way in the garage

  4. Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction.

  3. You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.

  2. Men may be From Mars .. but I can see something that rhymes with Venus.

  And the #1 Way to tell someone their zipper is unzipped.....

  1. You've got your fly set for "Monica" instead of "Hillary".


Computer Technology  vs. Auto Industry 

 For all of us who feel only the deepest love and 
  affection for the way computers have enhanced our 
 lives, read on.

  At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates
  reportedly compared the computer industry with the
  auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with
  the technology like the computer industry has, we
  would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000
  miles to the gallon".
  In response to Bill's comments, General Motors
  issued a press release stating:
  If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we
  would all be driving cars with the following
  1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash
  twice a day.
  2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road,
  you would have to buy a new car.
  3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway
  for no reason. You would have to pull over to the
  side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off
  the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before
  you could continue. For some reason you would
  simply accept this.
  4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a
  left turn would cause your car to shut down and
  refuse to restart, in which case you would have to
  reinstall the engine.
  5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by
  the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice
  as easy to drive - but would run on only five
  percent of the roads.
  6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator
  warning lights would all be replaced by a single
  "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation"
  warning light.
  7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?"
  before deploying.
  8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car
  would lock you out and refuse to let you in until
  you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned
  the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
  9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers
  would have to learn how to drive all over again
  because none of the controls would operate in the
  same manner as the old car.
  10.You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn
  the engine off.



  Wal*Mart is The Best

A woman goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel. She doesn't know  which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes over to the register. There is  a Wal-Mart associate standing there with dark shades on. She says, "Excuse me, Sir... can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"

He says, "Ma'am, I'm blind, but if you will drop it on the counter I can
tell  you everything you need to know about it from the sound that it makes.

 She didn't believe him but dropped it on the counter anyway. He said, "That's  a 6' graphite rod with a Zebco 202 reel and 10 lb. test line...It's a  good all around rod and reel, and it's $20.00."

She says, "It is amazing that  you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I think it's what I'm looking for, so I'll take it."

He walks behind the counter to the register, she bends down to get her purse and farts. At first she is embarrassed but then realizes that there is no way he could tell it was her. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.

He rings up the sale and says, "That will be $25.50."

She says, "But didn't you say it was $20.00?"

He says, "Yes ma'am, the rod and reel is $20.00, the duck call is $3.00,  and the catfish stink bait is $2.50.

And thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart."


 Subject:  Having fun with the law

A TICKET!  I went to the store the other day, and I was in there for only about 5 minutes.

When I came out there was a motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket. So I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a girl a break?"

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.

So I called him a pencil-necked Nazi. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires!

So I called him a piece of horse Manure.

He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket!

This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

I didn't care.

My car was parked around the corner.

I try to have a little fun each day. It's important.  :)


 Explanation of Marketing

Several women I know have asked for me an explanation of Marketing.
Perhaps the following analogies will help clear it up:

You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and say,
"I'm fantastic in bed."
-- That's Direct Marketing.

You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy.
One of your friends goes up to him and pointing at you says,
"She's fantastic in bed."
-- That's Advertising.

You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and get his
telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm
fantastic in bed."
-- That's Telemarketing.

You're at a party and see a handsome guy. You get up and straighten
your dress You walk up to him and pour him a drink. You say, "May
I," and reach up to straighten his tie brushing your breast lightly
Against his arm, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed."
-- That's Public Relations.

You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks up to you
and says, "I hear you're fantastic in bed."
-- That's Brand Recognition.

You're at a party and see a handsome guy. You talk him into going
home with your friend.
-- That's a Sales Rep.

Your friend can't satisfy him so he calls you.
-- That's Tech Support.

You're on your way to a party when you realize that there could be
handsome men in all these houses you're passing. So you climb onto
the roof of one situated toward the center and shout at the top of
your lungs, "I'm fantastic in bed!"
-- That's Spam.


 Call Girls

One day about a month ago, Bill Clinton was looking for a call girl. He found three such ladies in a local lounge - - - a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead.

To the blonde he said, "I am the President of the United States....How much would it cost me to spend some time with you? The blonde replied, "Two hundred dollars."

To the brunette he posed the same question, and she replied, "One hundred dollars."

He then asked the redhead the same question.

The redhead replied, "Mr. President, if you can raise my skirt as high as my taxes......get my panties as low as my wages.......get that thing of yours as hard as the times..... keep it as high as the gas prices.....keep me warmer than my apartment....and....screw me in private the way you do in public, then believe me Mr. President, it ain't gonna cost you a cent."


 Twelve priests 

Twelve priests were about to be ordained.  The final test was for them
to line up in a straight row, totally nude, in a
garden while a sexy and beautiful big breasted nude model danced before
them. Each priest had a small bell
attached to his penis and they were told that anyone whose bell
rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he
had not reached a state of spiritual purity.
The beautiful model danced before the first candidate, with no
reaction.  She proceeded down the line with the same
response from all the priests until she got to the final priest. As she
danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew
off and fell      clattering to the ground. Embarrassed, he took a few
steps forward and bent over to pick up the bell.
And then, all the other bells started to ring..........


  2 Old Ladies

Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it
started to rain.. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the
end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.
Lady 1: "What's that?"

Lady 2: "A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet."

Lady 1: "Where did you get it?"

Lady 2: "You can get them at any drugstore."

The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drug store and
announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The guy looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years
of age), but politely asks what brand she prefers.

Lady 1: "It doesn't matter as long as it fits a Camel."

The pharmacist fainted.


 A train hits a busload of nuns and they all perish

Before they can be admitted to heaven, they must first answer a question from St. Peter
who is waiting for them at the Pearly Gates.

He asks the first nun. "Sister Margaret, have you ever had any contact with a penis?"
The nun giggles and replies "Well once I touched the head of one with the tip of my finger."
St. Peter says "OK, dip the tip of your finger in the holy water and pass through the gate."

St. Peter asked the next nun the same question, "Sister Elizabeth have you ever had any
contact with a penis?"
The nun is a little reluctant but replies, "Well once I was stepping over a naked man
on the beach and my foot brushed against his penis."
St. Peter says "OK dip your foot in the holy water and pass through the gate."

All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of nuns, one nun is pushing her
way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front of the line. St. Peter asks,
"Sister Beatrice, what seems to be the rush?"

The nun replies, "If I'm going to have to gargle the holy water, I want to go before
Sister Mary sticks her ass in."


 Subject: An act of Kindness?

A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud
pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken
stranger standing in a pouring down rain is asking for a push.

"Not a chance" says the husband -- "It's three o'clock in the morning He
slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was it?" asks his wife.

"Just a drunken stranger asking for a push" he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"NO, I didn't -- it's three in the morning and it's pouring out!"
"Well, you've got a short memory" says his wife.

"Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down on holiday

and those two guys helped us?  I think you should help him."

The man does as he is told and gets dressed and goes out into the pouring
rain and calls out into the dark. "Hello are you still there?"

""Yes," comes the answer.

"Do you still want a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here, on the swing," the drunk replies.


 Three couples  

Three couples went in to see the minister about becoming new
members of his church. The minister said that they would have
to go without sex for two weeks and then come back and tell
him how it went. The first couple was retired, the second
couple was middle aged and the third couple was newly married.

Two weeks went by, and the couples returned to the minister.

The retired couple said it was no problem at all.

The middle-aged couple said it was tough for the first week,
but after that it was no problem.

The newlyweds said it was fine until she dropped the can of
paint. "Can of PAINT!" exclaimed the minister.

"Yeah," said the newlywed man. "She dropped the can and when
she bent over to pick it up I had to have her right there and
then. Lust took over."

The minister just shook his head and said that they were not
welcome in the church.

"That's okay," said the man.
We're not welcome in Home Depot either."



 The Top Ten Indicators that your employer has changed to a cheaper HMO:  

 10. Your annual breast exam is done at Hooters.

  9. Directions to your doctor's office include: "Take a left when you enter the trailer park." 

  8. The tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicles.

  7. The only proctologist in the plan is "Gus" from Roto-Rooter.

  6. The only item listed under Preventive Care Coverage, is "an apple a day."

  5. Your primary care physician is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month.

  4. The guideline that reads "The patient is responsible for 180% of out-of-network-charges" is not a typo.

  3. The only expense that is covered 100% -- is embalming.

  2. With your last HMO, your Prozac didn't come in different colors with little M's on them.

  ...And the number One sign that you've joined a cheap HMO:

  1. You ask for Viagra, and you get a Popsicle stick & duct tape


 Cheezie Goldfish!

Dear Friend,

Astonishing news! Company X and Company Y have merged to form company XY.
As CEO of arch-rival Company Z, I have no choice but to send a truckload of
Cheezie Goldfish Crackers (retail value of approximately USD $50,000) to the
first 100,000 people who forward this message to 25 friends. At Company Z, we
honestly believe that spamming millions of people and sending billions of dollars
of free stuff to total strangers (who most likely will never buy our products anyway)
is a fantastic way to boost corporate profits.

How will we know that you really sent this message to 25 friends? Easy! We have invented
an "email tracing program" that allows us to spy on every message you send, whether it's
over the Internet, or on your company's private internal network. (This basically means
that we've taken control of every communications company on the planet, and brainwashed
every network administrator in the world, but don't think much about that...)

Don't believe me? Listen to what Ima Lyer, who lives on a small remote island somewhere
in the Pacific Ocean, has to say: "Although I was a bit skeptical, I sent Company Z's
chain letter to 25 friends, and the VERY NEXT DAY, a truckload of Cheezie Goldfish Crackers
apppeared on my doorstep!"

So don't miss this fantastic opportunity to get literally tons of Cheezie Goldfish Crackers
at our expense. Don't question whether this is legitimate or not. In fact, don't think too
much at all. It just tends to use up valuable brain cells that you could use to reply to
chain letters. Just get out there and start spamming!


 Dear Abby:

I have been engaged for almost a year. I am to be married next month.

My fiancee's mother is not only very attractive but really great and
understanding. She is putting the entire wedding together and invited
me to her place to go over the invitation list because it had grown a
bit  beyond what we had expected it to be.

When I got to her place we reviewed the list and trimmed it down to
just under a hundred ... then she floored me.  She said that in a month
I would be a married man and that before that happened, she wanted to have sex with me.
Then she just stood up and walked  to her bedroom.  While walking to her bedroom she 
said that I knew where the front door was if I wanted to leave.

I stood there for a minute or two and finally decided that I knew
exactly how to deal with this situation. I headed straight out the
front door.......and there, leaning against my car was her husband,
my father-in-law to be.

He was smiling. He explained that they just wanted to be sure I was a
good kid and would be true to their little girl. I shook his hand and
he congratulated me on passing their little test.

  So Dear Abby, here's my dilemma:

1.  Should I tell my fiancee' what her parents did, and that I
      thought their "little test" was asinine and insulting to my character?  


2.  Should I keep the whole thing to myself including the fact that the 
       reason I was walking out to my car was to get a condom?



A young, lonely guy driving across the country decided to pick up a stunning, blonde hitchhiker.

A few miles into the trek, the blonde started coming onto him, so needless to say, he pulled over to the side of the desolate, deserted road so she could give him some oral pleasure.

Once his pants were down to his ankles, the blonde surprised him with a gun and bound his wrists to his ankles. Then, she robbed him of his wallet and clothes, and drove off with his car.

Once she was out of sight, the man struggled to his feet and began hopping alongside the road in a desperate attempt to get something's help.

A short time later, a trucker pulled up alongside the troubled man. "What happened to you?" asked the trucker, with a grin. The man explained his plight...

The trucker stepped down from his truck, and as he unzipped his pants he remarked,

"This just ain't been your day, has it boy!"




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