Husband Mart - Dallas, Texas
A store that sells
husbands has just opened in Dallas, TX where a woman may go to
choose a husband from among many men.
The store is
comprised of 6 floors, and the men increase in positive
attributes as the shopper ascends the flights.
There is however, a
As you open the door
to any floor you may choose a man from that floor, but if you
go up a floor, you cannot go back down except to exit the
So a woman goes to
the shopping center to find a husband. On the first floor the
sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men
The woman reads the
sign and says to herself, "Well, that's better than my last
boyfriend, but I wonder what's further up?" So up she
The second floor sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men
have jobs and love kids.
The woman remarks to
herself, "That's great, but I wonder what's further up?" And
up she goes again.
The third floor sign
Floor 3 - These men
have jobs, love kids and are extremely good looking.
"Hmmm, better" she
says. "But I wonder what's upstairs?"
The fourth floor sign
Floor 4 - These men
have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking and help with
"Wow!" exclaims the woman, "very
tempting. BUT, there must be more further up!" And again she
heads up another flight.
The fifth floor sign
Floor 5 - These men
have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with
the housework and have a strong romantic streak.
"Oh, mercy me! But
just think ... what must be awaiting me further on?"
So up to the sixth
floor she goes.
The sixth floor sign
Floor 6 - You are
visitor 3,456,789,012 to this floor. There are no men on this
This floor exists
solely as proof that women are impossible to please.
Thank you for
shopping at Husband Mart and have a nice day
A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds
sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be
She calls on South Brooklyn Tony.
He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the
The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like
Then South Brooklyn Tony says, "I have a question for YOU.
There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is
delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.
The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The
third is biting off the top of the ice cream.
Which one is married?"
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I
suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the
To which South Brooklyn Tony replied, "The correct answer
is 'the one with the wedding ring on,' but I like your
South Brooklyn Tony ON MATH
South Brooklyn Tony returns from school and says he got an
F in arithmetic.
"Why?" asks the father.
"The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3,' I said '6,'" replies
"But that's right!" says his dad.
"Yeah, but then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?'"
"What's the fucking difference?" asks the father.
"That's what I said!"
South Brooklyn Tony ON ENGLISH
South Brooklyn Tony goes to school, and the teacher says,
"Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does
anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?"
TONY says "Mas-tur-bate."
Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, South Brooklyn Tony,
that's a mouthful."
Little TONY says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a
South Brooklyn Tony ON GRAMMAR
South Brooklyn Tony was sitting in class one day. All of a
sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom.
He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!"
The teacher replied, "Now, TONY, that is NOT the proper
word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to
use is 'urinate'.
Please use the word 'urinate' in a sentence correctly, and
I will allow you to go."
South Brooklyn Tony, thinks for a bit, and then says,
"You're an eight, but if you had bigger tits, you'd be a
South Brooklyn Tony ON GRAMMAR
One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher
asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word
"beautiful" in the same sentence twice.
First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My
father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked
beautiful in it."
"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on
"My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out
beautifully."She said, "Excellent, Michael!"
Then the teacher reluctantly called on South Brooklyn
"Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father
that she was pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just fucking
South Brooklyn Tony ON GETTING OLDER
South Brooklyn Tony was sitting on a park bench munching on
one candy bar after another.
After the 6th one a man on
the bench across from him said,
"Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It
will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat."
South Brooklyn Tony replied, "My grandfather lived to be
107 years old.
The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a
South Brooklyn Tony answered, "No, he minded his own
Just a little note to let you know
we understand your anger in the recent price hike.
But it should be noted that you
have no choice.
We are a big company and you will
pay what we tell you.
You have no choice.
We have the power, you need the
So sad, too bad. Sucks to be you.
We have enclosed a little picture
to help outline our response.
Have a nice day and keep those
checks coming, loser!
Your Local Power Company
Click Picture For Larger View
to say this but this will be my last e-mail.
have been a bit tough lately and life is getting shorter and
shorter every day.
I want to
take the time that's left and smell the roses.
So I am
going to quit e-mailing jokes to you and travel full time with
a biker gang to see the country and enjoy life while I still
Don't worry about me - they all seem like really
nice people. It has been nice emailing you, but it's time to
say good bye.
A photo of
my new biker gang is attached....
I hope I'll be able
to hold up! There could be a little stress
Click Picture For Larger View
I want to Kill My
This gal walks
into the drugstore and tells the pharmacist she wants to buy
He says, "What
do you want with arsenic?" She said
"I want to kill
my husband because he cheats on me by having sex with another
says, "I can't sell you arsenic so you can kill your husband
lady, even if he is having sex with another woman."
So she reaches
into her pocket and pulls out a picture of her husband having
sex with the pharmacist's wife.
says "Oh, I didn't realize you had a
Got To Love New Jersey
A girl says to her date, "You're in for a real treat.
I've been told that I have a body just like New Jersey."
So, her date grabs her waist and asks, "What's this?"
She replies, "This is Middlesex."
He grabs her butt and asks "What's this?
She replies "Freehold."
Then he grabs her breast and asks "What's this?" She
replies "Point Pleasant."
Finally, he reaches between her thighs and says, "I guess
this is Cherry Hill?"
"No", She replies, "That's Eatontown."
The guy gets so excited that he pulls down his pants and
"Welcome to Wildwood!"
Gotta love New Jersey
Stranded On A Desert
This guy is
stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years. One day,
he sees a speck in the horizon. He thinks to himself, "It's
not a ship." The speck gets a little closer and he thinks,
"It's not a boat." The speck gets even closer and he thinks,
"It's not a raft."
Then, out of the
surf comes this gorgeous blonde woman, wearing a wet suit and
She comes up to
the guy and says, "How long has it been since you've had a
"Ten years!", he
She reaches over
and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls
out a pack of fresh cigarettes.
He takes one,
lights it, takes a long drag, and says, "Man, oh man! Is that
Then she asked,
"How long has it been since you've had a drink of
He replies, "Ten
over, unzips her waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulls
out a flask and gives it to him.
He takes a long
swig and says, "Wow, that's fantastic!"
Then she starts
unzipping this long zipper that runs down the front of her wet
suit and she says to him, "And how long has it been since
you've had some REAL fun?"
And the man
replies, "My Gosh! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in
was talking with his barber, when they both noticed a
goofy-looking fellow bouncing down the sidewalk. The barber
whispered, "That's Tommy, one of the stupidest kids you'll
Here, I'll show
you.". "Hey Tommy! Come here!" yelled the barber.
bouncing over "Hi Mr. Williams!"
pulled out a rusty dime and a shiny quarter and told Tommy he
could keep the one of his choice.
long and hard at the dime and quarter and then quickly snapped
the dime from
the barber's hand. The barber looked at the
businessman and said, "See, I told you."
haircut, the businessman caught up with Tommy and asked him
why he chose the dime.
Tommy looked at him in the eye and
said, "If I take the quarter, the game is
A little girl asked
her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the
block? Mom replies, "No, because she is in
"What's that mean?"
asked the child. "Go ask your father. I think he's in
The little girl goes
to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for a
walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said
the dog was in heat, and to come to you."
Dad said, "Bring
Belle over here." He took a rag, soaked it with
gasoline, scrubbed the dog's backside with it and said, "Okay,
you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one
time around the block."
The little girl left,
and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the
leash. Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's
The little girl said,
"She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another
dog is pushing her
An old farmer in Texas had owned a
large farm for several years.
He had a large pond in the back, fixed up
nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts, basketball court, etc.
The pond was properly shaped and fixed up
for swimming when it was built.
One evening the old farmer decided to go
down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and
look it over. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting
and laughing with glee.
As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of
young women skinny dipping in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence
and they all went to the deep end of the pond.
One of the women shouted to him, "We're
not coming out until you leave!"
The old man replied, "I didn't come down
here to watch you ladies swim or make you get out of the pond
He paused and then spoke
"I'm just here to feed the alligator."
Moral: Old age and cunning will triumph
over youth and enthusiasm every
Dangerfield's 21 Best One Liners
1. I was so poor growing up ... if I
wasn't a boy... I'd have had nothing to play with.
2. A girl phoned me the other day and
said, "Come on over; nobody's home." I went over.
Nobody was home.
3. During sex, my girlfriend always wants
to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a
4. One day I came home early from work ...
I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy,
"Hey buddy, why are you doing that ?" He said "Because you
came home early."
5. It's been a rough day. I got up
this morning. I put a shirt on and a button fell off.
I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came
off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.
6. I was such an ugly kid...When I played
in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
7. I could tell my parents hated me My
bath toys were a toaster and radio.
8. I was such an ugly baby...My mother
never breast fed me She told me that she only
liked me as a friend.
9. I'm so ugly...My father carried around
a picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
10. When I was born, the doctor came into
the waiting room and said to my father, "I'm
sorry. We did everything we could, but
he pulled through."
11. I'm so ugly ..... My mother had
morning sickness AFTER I was born.
12. I remember the time that I was
kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my
father. He said he wanted more proof.
13. Once when I was lost, I saw a
policeman, and asked him to help me find my parents.
I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever
find them ?" He said,"I don't know kid.
There's so many places they can hide."
14. My wife made me join a bridge club. I
jump off next Tuesday.
15. I'm so ugly...I worked in a pet shop,
and people kept asking how big I'd get.
16. I went to see my doctor. "Doctor,
every morning when I get up and I look in the
mirror...I feel like throwing up;
What's wrong with me ?" He said..."I don't know
but your eyesight is perfect."
17. I went to the doctor because I'd
swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor
told me to have a few drinks and get
18. With my old man I got no respect. I
asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air ?"
He told me to run off a cliff.
19. Some dog I got. We call him Egypt
because in every room he leaves a pyramid. His
favorite bone is in my arm. Last night
he went on the paper four times - three of
those times I was reading it.
20. One year they wanted to make me poster
boy for birth control.
21. My uncle's dying wish was to have me
sitting in his lap; he was in the electric chair.
And my Favorite:
I'm so ugly, when I was born the doctor
slapped my mother !!!
guys are talking over a beer, discussing various sex
first guy says his favorite position is the "rodeo".
other guy asks what the position is, and how to do it?
first guy says, "You tell your wife to get on the bed on all
fours and then do it doggy style.
things start to get underway and she's really enjoying it,
lean forward and whisper in her ear - 'Your sister likes this
try to hang on for 8
Hot Air Balloon
A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He
reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit
more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a
friend I would meet him an hour ago, but Idon't know where I
The woman below replied, "You're in a hot air
balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground.
You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59
and 60 degrees west longitude."
"You must be an
engineer," said the balloonist.
"I am," replied the
woman, "How did you know?"
"Well," answered the
balloonist, "everything you told me is, technically correct,
but I've no idea what to make of your information, and the
fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at
all. If anything, you've delayed my trip."
The woman below
responded, "You must be in Management."
"I am," replied the
balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," said the
woman, "you don't know where you are or where you're going.
You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot
air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and
you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact
is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we
met, but now, somehow, it's my
Two couples were playing cards one evening.
John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he
bent down under the table to pick them up, he couldn't help
but notice that Bill's wife Sue, legs spread wide, wasn't
wearing any underwear! Shocked by this, John, upon trying to
sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged
Later, John went to the kitchen to get some
refreshments. Bill's wife followed and asked, "Did you see
anything you liked under there?"
Surprised by her boldness, John courageously admitted that,
well, indeed he did. She said, "Well, you can have it but it
will cost you $500."
After taking a minute or two to assess the financial as
well as themoral costs of this offer, John indicates that he
is indeed interested. She tells him that since her husband,
Bill, works Friday afternoons and John
doesn't, that John
should be at her house around 2:00 Friday
When Friday rolled around, John showed up at
Bill's house for the planned time with Sue at 2:00pm sharp and
after paying her the agreed sum of $500, they went to the
bedroom and closed their sexual transaction as Sue had
Afterwards, John quickly dressed and left. As
usual, Bill came home from work at 6:00pm and upon entering
the house, asked his wife abruptly, "Did John come by the
house this afternoon?"
A little worried, Bill's wife
answered, "Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this
afternoon." Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband
curtly asked, "And did he give you $500?" In terror, she
assumed that somehow he had found out, and after mustering up
her best poker face, replied, "Well, yes, in fact he did give
Bill, with a satisfied look on his face,
surprised his wife by saying,
"Good, I was hoping he
did. John came by the office this morning and borrowed $500
from me. He promised me he'd stop by our house this afternoon
on his way home and pay me back."
NOW THAT'S A POKER
the lighter side....
In case you haven't
seen this before
We all know those
cute little computer symbols called "emoticons," where:
:) means a
:( is a frown. Sometimes
these are represented by
Well, how about some
"assicons"? Here goes:
a fat ass
a tight ass
an ass that's been around
kiss my ass
leave my ass alone
(_E=mc2_) a smart ass
Money coming out of his ass
You have just been e-mooned!
Send this to 5 people within the next hour and you will
be blessed with people laughing at your e-mail. This is
NOT a chain letter, so if you don't mail it out, you
won't have bad luck. (But who wouldn't want to
e-Moon a friend?)
Subject: Employee Joke
"I'm sorry but I can't come in today..
doctor says I suffer from Anal Glaucoma."
"Anal Glaucoma? What's that?"
"I just can't see my ass coming to
Rated X Rated II X Rated
III X Rated 4 X Rated
5 X Rated 6
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