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                                                     Senior Citizen


A senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone  rang.
Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, 

 "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on  Interstate 77. Please be careful!"

"Hell," said Herman, "It's  not just one car. It's hundreds of them


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Three  retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day.

One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?"

"No," the second man  replied, "it's Thursday."

And the third man chimed in, "So am I.  Let's have a beer."


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Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch  speeding drivers, a
State Police officer sees a car puttering along at 22 mph.  He thinks to
himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!"  So he turns on
his lights and pulls the driver over.

Approaching  the car, he notices that there are five old ladies --- two in the front seat  and three in the back--- eyes wide, and white as ghosts. The driver,  obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing  exactly the speed
limit! What seems to be the problem?"

"Ma'am," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding,  but you should know
that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a  danger to other drivers."
"Slower than the speed limit?" she asked.  "No sir, I was doing the speed
limit exactly---twenty-two miles an  hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly.

The State Police officer, trying to  contain a chuckle, explains to her
that "22" was the route number, not the  speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman
grinned and thanked the  officer for pointing out her error.

"But before I let you go, Ma'am,"  said the officer, "I have to ask... Is everyone in
this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't  muttered a single peep this whole time."

"Oh, they'll be all right in a  minute, officer. We just got off Route 119...  "


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Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades.  Over the years they
had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. 

Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week  to play cards.

One day they were playing cards when one looked at the  other and said,

"Now don't get mad at me.....I know we've been friends for a  long
time.....but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and  thought,
but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name  is."

Her friend glared at her. For at least three  minutes she just stared and
glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon  do you need to know?


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Two elderly  women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see
over the  dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an
intersection.  The stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The
woman in  the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I
could have  sworn we just went through a red light".

After a few more minutes, they came  to another intersection and the light
was red again. Again, they went  right through. The woman in the
passenger seat was almost sure that the  light had been red but was really
concerned that she was losing it. She  was getting nervous and decided to
pay very close attention to the road and  the next intersection.

At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was  red and they went on
through. So, she turned to the other woman and  said, "Mildred, did you
know that we just ran through three red lights in a  row? You could have
killed us both!"

Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh  shit, am I driving?"


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One evening a  family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home
and leaves her,  hoping she will be well cared for.

The next morning, the nurses bathe  her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden.

She seems OK, but after awhile she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses  immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up.

Again she seems  OK, but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The
nurses  rush back and once more bring her back upright. This goes on all morning.

Later the family arrives to see how the old woman is  adjusting to her new home.

"So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating  you all right?" they ask.

"It's pretty nice," she replies. "Except  they won't let you fart."


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An older  couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but  the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk. She said:

"You used  to hold my hand when we were courting." Wearily he reached
across, held  her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep. A few
moments  later she said:

"Then you used to kiss me." Mildly irritated, he  reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.  Thirty seconds later she said:

"Then you used to bite my neck." Angrily,  he threw back the bed
clothes and got out of bed. "Where are you going?"  she asked.

"To get my teeth!"


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80-year old  Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home.

She holds her  clenched fist in the air and announces, "Anyone who can guess
what's in my  hand can have sex with me tonight!!"

An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts  out, "An elephant?"

Bessie thinks a minute and says,   "Close enough."


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Two  90-year-olds had been dating for some time, when the man told the
woman, "I  think it's time we had sex, don't you agree?"

The old woman agrees and  the two make love that afternoon.

Afterward, as they are lying in bed,  the man thinks to himself, "My God, if I had known that she was a virgin, I  would have been much more gentle!"

Meanwhile, the woman was thinking to herself, "My God, if I had known that the old geezer could really get it up, I  would have taken off my pantyhose."


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Three sisters,  ages 92, 94, and 96 live in a house together. One night
the 96 year old  draws a bath. She puts one foot in and pauses. She yells
down the  stairs, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"

The 94 year old yells  back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She
starts up the stairs and  pauses. Then, she yells, "Was I going up the
stairs or down?"

The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table  having tea, listening to
her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I  sure hope I never get that
forgetful." She knocks on wood for good  measure. She then yells, "I'll
come up and help both of you as soon as I  see who's at the door."


                         Saturday Night Without Their Husbands 


Two women go out one Saturday night without their husbands. As they came
back, right before dawn, both of them drunk, they felt the urge to pee.

They noticed the only place to stop was a cemetery. Scared and drunk,
they stopped and decided to go there anyway.

The first one did not have anything to wipe her self with, so she took
off her panties, used them to clean herself and discarded them.

The second not finding anything either, thought, "I'm not getting rid of
my panties..." so she used the ribbon from a nearby flower wreath to
clean herself.

The morning after, the two husbands were talking to each other on the
phone, and one says to the other, "We have to be on the look-out, it
seems that these two were up to no good last night, my wife came home
without her panties..."

The other one responded, "You're lucky, mine came home with a card stuck
to her ass that read 'We will never forget you.'


                                          Best and Worst Decision

Many years after Bill Clinton had been President of the United States a famous biographer was going to write Bill's life story.

During the course of his interview he asked Bill,

"What was your best and your worst decision during the Presidency."

Bill rolled his eyes back in deep thought and then said, "Monica Lewinski!

I'd have to say Monica was my best and my worst decision."

"How could that be, Bill?", asked the surprised biographer.

Bill smiled and then shook his head, "I'd have to say she was both my best and my worst decision for the same reason."

"That's odd. What was the reason for that?", said the biographer.

Bill squirmed in his chair and answered, "Monica had a big mouth."


            Statement from French's Mustard....pretty funny 


 The makers of French's Mustard made the following recent statement:

"We, at the French's Company, wish to put an end to statements that our product is manufactured in France. There is no relationship, nor has there ever been a relationship between our mustard and the country of France.

Our mustard in manufactured in Rochester, New York.

The only thing we have in common is that we are both yellow".



                                                      Scam Alert



  To My Friends:

  I want to warn you of a possible scam.  Winter will soon
  be upon us and this scam may be pulled in your area.

  Last year these two showed up offering to shovel snow from my driveway,
  but our village requires a vendor's permit for door to door solicitation.

  They claimed they obtained a permit but did not have any pockets to carry it in.

  HA! a likely story. 

  It's not likely these two would have done an efficient job!
  They whined about being cold and probably would have left before the
  job was done, along with my hard-earned $20.00!

  I did not fall victim and they were promptly sent on their way.

  Fortunately, I took a picture of this pair.  I'm passing their photo around
  so they won't suck in poor, unsuspecting victims.  I know you will pass
  this on to all of your neighbors!!  I hope I warned you in time.

  If you don't have a driveway this may not really apply to you, but there
  is no telling what other service they might offer to suck you in.





                                                        Click for large picture

                                                                                Click Picture!                                                               


   Dear Abby:

  After I retired, I met a new fishing buddy named Sam.  Sam loves to fish 
  as much as I do. The wife has never met Sam and always feels that I spend 
  too much time fishing. 
  The other day I took a picture of Sam holding up two nice bass that we 
  caught, I showed the picture to the wife. 
  Now the wife says that I can't go fishing with Sam anymore and wants me to 
  sell the boat. Guess the wife doesn't like me enjoying myself with a 
  fishing buddy! Maybe it's because Sam is a better fisherman than her, I 
  don't know. 
  What would you do?  Tell the wife to forget it and continue fishing with 
  Sam OR Quit fishing and sell the boat?





                                                       Click Here For Bigger Picture of Sam

                                                                            Click Picture!


                                            Modern Technology

  Three women are sitting naked in the sauna. Suddenly there is a beeping sound. 
  The first woman touches her forearm and the beeping stops.

  The others look at her curiously. "It's my pager," she says.
  "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm." A few minutes later a phone rings.

  The second woman lifts her palm to her ear.  When she finishes she explains,
  "That's my new cell
phone. I have a microchip in my hand."

  The third woman, feeling decidedly low-tech, steps out of the sauna.

  In a few minutes she returns with a piece of toilet paper hanging from her butt.
  The others raise their eyebrows. "Oh, excuse me....I'm getting a Fax." 


                                        Be Careful What You Say!



  This actually happened at Harvard University. 
  In a biology class, the professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen.

 A female freshman raised her hand and asked, "If I understand,you're saying there is a lot of glucose, as in sugar, in semen?"

  "That's correct", responded the professor, going on to add statistical info.
  Raising her hand again, the girl asked,

  "Then why doesn't it taste sweet?"

  After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing, the poor girl's face
  turned bright red, and, as she realized exactly what she had inadvertently said
  (or rather implied), she picked up her books without a word and walked out of class,
  never to return.

  However, as she was going out the door, the Professor's reply was classic.
  Totally straight-faced he answered her question...

  "It doesn't taste sweet because the taste buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue and not the back of your throat.

  Have a good day."


                                          10 Husbands, Still a Virgin

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin." "What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing; although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist; all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"


                                                    The Computer 


A computer was something on TV
 From a science fiction show of note
 A window was something you hated to clean
 And ram was the cousin of a goat.

 Meg was the name of my girlfriend
 And gig was a job for the nights
 Now they all mean different things
 And that really mega bytes.

 An application was for employment
 A program was a TV show
 A cursor used profanity
 A keyboard was a piano.

  Memory was something that you lost with age
 A CD was a bank account
 And if you had a 3-in. floppy
 You hoped nobody ever found out.

 Compress was something you did to the garbage
 Not something you did to a file
 And if you unzipped anything in public
 You'd be in jail for a while.

 Log on was adding wood to the fire
 Hard drive was a long trip on the road
 A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
 And a backup happened to your commode.

 Cut you did with a pocket knife
 Paste you did with glue
 A web was a spider's home
 And a virus was the flu.

 I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper
 And the memory in my head

 I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash But I've heard it plenty times said !


                                               THE BLONDE WINS

 A blonde goes into a restaurant and notices there's a "peel and win" sticker
 on her coffee cup. So she peels it off and starts screaming,

 "I've won a motor home! I've won a motor home!"

 The waitress says, "That's impossible. The biggest prize is a free lunch."

 But the blonde keeps screaming, "I've won a motor home! I've won a motor home!"

 Finally the manager comes over and says, "Ma'am, I'm sorry, but you're mistaken.
 You couldn't possibly have won a motor home because we didn't have that as a prize!

 The blonde says, "No it's not a mistake. I've won a motor home!"

 And she hands the ticket to the manager and he reads.........


   (You're gonna love this)









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