Senior
Citizen
A senior citizen was
driving down the freeway, his car phone
rang.
Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently
warning him,
"Herman, I just
heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way
on Interstate 77. Please be careful!"
"Hell," said
Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of
them!"
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Three retirees, each with
a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March
day.
One remarked to the other, "Windy,
isn't it?"
"No," the second man replied,
"it's Thursday."
And the third man chimed in, "So am
I. Let's have a beer."
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Sitting on the side of the highway
waiting to catch speeding drivers, a
State Police
officer sees a car puttering along at 22 mph. He thinks
to
himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a
speeder!" So he turns on
his lights and pulls the
driver over.
Approaching the car, he
notices that there are five old ladies --- two in the front
seat and three in the back--- eyes wide, and white as
ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him,
"Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the
speed
limit! What seems to be the problem?"
"Ma'am," the officer replies, "You
weren't speeding, but you should know
that driving
slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to
other drivers."
"Slower than the speed limit?" she
asked. "No sir, I was doing the speed
limit
exactly---twenty-two miles an hour!" the old woman says
a bit proudly.
The State Police officer, trying
to contain a chuckle, explains to her
that "22" was
the route number, not the speed limit. A bit
embarrassed, the woman
grinned and thanked the
officer for pointing out her error.
"But before I
let you go,
Ma'am," said the officer, "I have to ask... Is everyone
in
this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they
haven't muttered a single peep this whole
time."
"Oh, they'll be all right in
a minute, officer. We just got off Route 119...
"
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Two elderly ladies had been
friends for many decades. Over the years they
had
shared all kinds of activities and adventures.
Lately, their activities had been
limited to meeting a few times a week to play
cards.
One day they were playing cards
when one looked at the other and said,
"Now don't get mad at me.....I know
we've been friends for a long
time.....but I just
can't think of your name! I've thought and
thought,
but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your
name is."
Her friend glared at her. For at
least three minutes she just stared and
glared at
her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to
know?
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Two elderly women were
out driving in a large car - both could barely see
over
the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to
an
intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just
went on through. The
woman in the passenger seat
thought to herself "I must be losing it. I
could have
sworn we just went through a red light".
After a few more minutes, they
came to another intersection and the light
was red
again. Again, they went right through. The woman in
the
passenger seat was almost sure that the light had
been red but was really
concerned that she was losing it.
She was getting nervous and decided to
pay very close
attention to the road and the next
intersection.
At the next intersection, sure
enough, the light was red and they went on
through.
So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred,
did you
know that we just ran through three red lights in
a row? You could have
killed us both!"
Mildred turned to her and said,
"Oh shit, am I driving?"
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One evening a family
brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home
and
leaves her, hoping she will be well cared for.
The next morning, the nurses
bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a
chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden.
She seems OK, but after awhile she
slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair. Two
attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and
straighten her up.
Again she seems OK, but after
a while she starts to tilt to the other side.
The
nurses rush back and once more bring her back
upright. This goes on all morning.
Later the family arrives to see how
the old woman is adjusting to her new
home.
"So Ma, how is it here? Are they
treating you all right?" they ask.
"It's pretty nice," she replies.
"Except they won't let you fart."
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An older couple were
lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep
but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk.
She said:
"You used to hold my hand when we were courting."
Wearily he reached
across, held her hand for a second
and tried to get back to sleep. A few
moments later
she said:
"Then you used to kiss me." Mildly irritated, he
reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down
to sleep. Thirty seconds later she
said:
"Then you used to bite my neck." Angrily, he threw
back the bed
clothes and got out of bed. "Where are you
going?" she asked.
"To get my teeth!"
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80-year old Bessie bursts
into the rec room at the retirement home.
She
holds her clenched fist in
the air and announces, "Anyone who can guess
what's in
my hand can have sex with me tonight!!"
An elderly gentleman in
the rear
shouts out, "An elephant?"
Bessie thinks a minute and
says, "Close enough."
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Two 90-year-olds had been
dating for some time, when the man told the
woman, "I
think it's time we had sex, don't you agree?"
The old woman agrees and the
two make love that afternoon.
Afterward, as they are lying in
bed, the man thinks to himself, "My God, if I had known
that she was a virgin, I would have been much more
gentle!"
Meanwhile, the woman was
thinking
to herself, "My God, if I had known that the old geezer
could really get it up, I would have taken off my
pantyhose."
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Three sisters, ages 92,
94, and 96 live in a house together. One night
the 96 year
old draws a bath. She puts one foot in and pauses. She
yells
down the stairs, "Was I getting in or out of
the bath?"
The 94 year old yells back,
"I don't know. I'll come up and see." She
starts up the
stairs and pauses. Then, she yells, "Was I going up
the
stairs or down?"
The 92 year old is sitting at the
kitchen table having tea, listening to
her sisters.
She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get
that
forgetful." She knocks on wood for good measure.
She then yells, "I'll
come up and help both of you as soon
as I see who's at the
door."
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